We've been doing it all wrong!

ATTENTION: THIS BLOG MOST DEFINITELY CONTAINS OFFENSIVE AND GROTESQUE DETAILS OF THE DAILY HABITS OF HUMAN LIFE THAT MOST NEVER TALK ABOUT BUT ALL EXPERIENCE AND CAN IDENTIFY WITH. Please consider yourself to be warned.

According to my recent information crusade to learn more about the infamous Eastern toilets, aka "squatty potties," that we've all been complaining about, it turns out we have absolutely, 100% guaranteed been doing it all wrong. After educating myself, in fact, it's no wonder how much we've been grouching over it.

Some criticisms thus far from my fellow Westerners (of which I am no exception) include:

1. Splash zones (particularly for women) have been increasingly difficult to control, and in some cases, shoes and pants have fallen victim to this catastrophe.
2. There have been many questions regarding what exactly to do with one's pants while squatting. Some just opt for taking them off and hanging them on the purse hook :)
3. Squatties are more difficult to use for those with limited or uncontrollable body mobility, especially in bars where ¥10 beer flows like a river.
4. Users of Western toilets are accustomed to having the waste drop into a wide pool, trapping much of the odor under water. Squatties are essentially waterless until the flush washes through.
   
5. Loose bowels have a tendency to spray over the floor and onto the back of the ankles, shoes, and/or clothing. That was graphic, but graphic is truth in raw form.
   
6. Did I mention the splash zone?
   

Now that you have been filled in on the juiciest of details, here's the punchline. For an entire month now, we have all been using these Eastern toilets... BACKWARDS. That's right, I said backwards. Our awkward approach to the squatty potty would equate exactly to sitting on your home throne facing the wall and straddling the tank.

According to Wikipedia, squatties are most efficient when the user is facing the pipes and flushing devices on the back wall of the stall. To this point, we have all been entering the stall and turning about-face as we would in any Western-style lavatory to face the door.

So how does this new knowledge address the above concerns about the Eastern cans? Let's take that trip, shall we?

1. Splash zones should be virtually eliminated due to the reverse physics of the new positioning. Now, the deepest part of the potty will be the target of the stream, as opposed to the shallowest part where it hit before and caused quite a chaotic experience.
   
2. What exactly to do with one's pants is probably still an issue, but at least now they won't hang right in one's face if one continues to opt for the nudist method.
   
3. The bottom line is that those with limited or uncontrollable body mobility due to physical limitations or beverage consumption are always going to have issues using public facilities. End of argument.
   
4. Odor is a serious, widespread issue. Lauren described the Chinese bathroom smell as, "If urine could die, it would smell like this..." I do believe that bleach is the best solution.
   
5. Loose bowels have a tendency to spray over the floor and onto the back of the ankles, shoes, and/or clothing. Is it just me or does this happen at home, too?
   
6. Again, the splash zone should be taken care of by the new setup. Refer to #1.
   

I am anxious to test out the latest squatty hypothesis next time I find a respectable public latrine. I am also quit embarrassed as I picture myself mounting a Western pot, facing backwards, and then complaining about the ineffectiveness of the invention and how the tank is cramping my knees. How could we all be so naive?

You've gotta love it :)

XOXO